Thoughts...

Christmas

Is it wrong that I already have made Christmas lists for what I am getting others?  And have made up the family Christmas card?  And I have my whole vacation planned out?

Thesis

Tonight will be a late night writing Chapter 1 on the thesis.  I am retarded.  I wrote the whole thing on rituals which is great; however, I really wanted to talk about traditions.  Why did I spend 10 months doing this?  

Comparing

Why is it hard to not compare yourself to another.  One example is  "this person got into company A, what do they have that I don't?" I beginning questioning my paths, decisions, and beliefs I have adopted.  I am proud of what I have become but cannot help but question some.  Like what if I had decided to be a soak in college... where would I be at, who would I be hanging out with, and would I be happy?  Now that is an extreme thing... but still.

Fajar

Today I looked at dad's picture and it knocked my breath away.  It is strange because it has been 7 years.  I know I probably should just suck it up and not whine.  Really though this is not ideal.  Sometimes being cheated out of a relationship just plain sucks.  Plain and simple.

Nonetheless, I must say this has shaped who I am today.  

For instance, I chose to live by his work ethic.  Many nights he couldn't come to my games.  It was rare my parents came to home events.  I understood that it was important for them to stay home and help my siblings with their homework or continue running the farm.  I remember when I told him I wanted to quit sports and get a job to help with financial stuff.  He was sitting on the porch with mom and Steve.  He told me that I couldn't and focus on sports and school.  Steve would not hear of it either.  Back than I had playing time because I had heart.  I had made Varsity when my dad passed.  I never made it to Districts because it was the same week of the funeral.  Darn. 

Also I learned that sometimes you just need to deal with it.  I try not to complain (this may seem like a complaint post... I call it thoughts :)).  He would tell me that the pain would go away when it quit hurting.  When I banged up my knee playing basketball I refused to get stitches because the pain would eventually go away.  Looking at the triangle on my knee, I realize I probably should have got stitches.  

Another thing that I have been thinking involving Dad was his go-getting attitude.  My family says I have it.  I basically don't take no for an answer.  When a high school teacher told me I would never be a straight A student, she was right.  I wasn't.  But I did try pretty darn hard!  I was a book worm.  I studied, memorized, read, wrote, and dreamed of my academics.  I was determined.  I didn't make it, but I did earn several minors and respect from faculty in several different disciplines.  Now grad school is round two to show that teacher I can do it.  Horrible mindset and reasoning why I try hard, but it does push me.  

Finally, it has been really tugging on me that he missed his grandbaby - Kinsey and seeing me happy.  She is amazing.  There will be no Gpa K.  He didn't see me accomplish my dreams of speaking, prom, graduations, bad hair cuts, hearing of my adventures, seeing me run in a race... He only saw my first 17 years (and year 1 was just pooping and eating - lame!).  A lot has happened.  But with every negative there is a positive.  I have an amazing mom, G-ma, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, neighbors, teachers, mentors and a pastor step up and fill in during those special moments.  For instance, Steve sat in a chair with a shot gun waiting for my date to arrive for my first prom.  My mom has made great strides to attend my events and listen to me laugh, cry, stress, and dream over the phone since I have moved away.  My good friends have been there through it all - Darin especially has taken on helping my family with projects, encouraging words, etc.  But still... it would be nice to have Dad to ask question to about cars, hear wisdom, and share father/daughter moments.  

All of these people I am forever thankful.    

This is just food for thought.  Too bad it wasn't more flavorful.